Not to be confused with the ultra-athletic, super-toned health and fitness stoner, the gym stoner’s existence is largely reliant on having an actual business to patronize.
Health and fitness stoners are the antithesis of the couch-bound stoner archetype, but gym stoners bridge the gap between them. Less motivated by gains, it’s easy for gym stoners to feel directionless without the paint-by-numbers, choose-your-own-adventure ease of a brick-and-mortar gym, especially if they operate on the type of fitness autopilot larger gyms support.
The challenge to replicate the deep trance of 45 minutes of stoned rowing or the euphoria of dominating a complex weightlifting system in a two-bedroom apartment is real.
Thankfully, with a little guidance, even the most amateur of gym stoners can re-create the fitness regimens that once maximized our stoniest buzzes and fizziest highs.
Weight Training to Complement Food Hoarding
Like many other gym stoners, I ransacked my house in search of something that could take the place of the spongy, ergonomic free weights of my pre-COVID gym routines. I reached out to Crys Shawn, co-owner of Unique Physique and certified fitness stoner for her professional suggestions. While not as adorable as a pastel-colored free weight, Shawn recommends using a backpack, duffel bag or reusable shopping bag as a weight. Fill your bag with a selection of your hoarded canned goods or reuse empty detergent bottles filled with sand or water. Calibrate your bag to the desired weight and use it as you would a kettlebell or use two bags for dumbells
Smoke this: XJ-13 is a Jack Herer phenotype that captures Jack’s therapeutic potency and amps up the vigor, enabling the user to get the most out of an otherwise challenging workout.
Yoga Flow for the Stoned and Alone
For those who depend on a yoga instructor or have grown weary of their go-to series of online coaches and/or asanas, leveling up into new positions and satisfying stretches can be a challenge. If you’re thirsty for a definite stoner yoga series that’s both challenging and invigorating, Shawn recommends simply going with your own flow. Just take a few forward folds and listen to where your body wants to go. “My favorite thing about moving while stoned is that your body knows what you need,” Shawn says. “Just let go of rationality and move.”
Smoke this: Snowcap pairs a silky sativa body buzz with a coolly detached head high—perfect for deep stretches and deeper thoughts.
Cardio That Won’t Exasperate Your Downstairs Neighbors
It’s easy to forget folks have been doing cardio workouts from chairs since the dawn of, well, chairs. The most common chair—or, for our purposes, couch—workouts consist of three reps each: 20 leg lifts, flutter kicks and scissor kicks, interspersed with some variation of seated twist and/or jumping jack, all while maintaining an upright seated position. I miss the gym, but a whole cardio sesh from the comfort of my couch and in proximity to my bong is a halfway decent substitute.
Smoke this: Grape Ape is a heavier indica, which might seem a counterintuitive pre-workout puff, but we’re literally talking about working out without leaving the couch, so let’s just lean in.
Guidance for the Gym Wanderer
Like many other gym stoners, I might wander the entire gym for several minutes before arbitrarily jumping on any open machine. Abundance has 100 percent spoiled many capable gymgoers of customizing their workout plans, but if there was ever a time to discover the joys of virtual training, it’s now. For leisurely gym stoners who let fate guide their routines, 420 friendly online trainers are steadily creating new YouTube workout content geared toward the impartial gym enthusiast, and you’re a mere scroll away from finding your perfect match.
Smoke this: Gelato’s high is crystalline, cerebral and incredibly responsive. If you’re feeling energetic, Gelato will cheer you on, and if you’re in more of an intellectual mood, the strain can enhance focus and cognition.
Punch Up Your Quarantine Walk
Squats, lunges, high knees and the occasional air punch are ways not just to enhance your daily quarantine walk but also entertain your housebound neighbors. Pro tip: Protect those knees if you’ll be lunging on asphalt, and always keep a bit of CBD around for recovery.
Smoke this: Platinum Girl Scout Cookies has an attractive balance of clean, buzzy energy and deep introspection. What more do you need for a mile worth of lunges, squats and shadow boxing?